are you for serious?

i just turned on the tv to go find a law and order repeat i haven't seen yet. CNN was on; a bunch of people were squawking their concern and indignance over this recent trend of "racist parties" at colleges. i had to find out what's been going on in undergrad since back in the day when i was busy winning drag shows as the only straight entrant at my alma mater.

so some college kids have a "gangsta party" on MLK day and dress up like thugs, drinking malt liquor 40's, padding their tushes, making tin foil grills, and piling on the bling. according to the black lawyer and students they interviewed, it's totally racist and unconscionable. the lawyer doesn't understand where these kids could get these ideas from, these terrible stereotypes about what black people look like or wear. I HAVE NO IDEA, YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT, THE GANGSTA PRISON STYLE IS TOTALLY A FIGMENT OF WHITE SUBURBAN IMAGINATIONS. it's ok when little wannabe crips in westchester buy fubu and make money for the rap labels pestering their relatives for more thuggin cd's for their bar mitzvahs. that's totally fine. but have a theme party? god forbid.

and while it may be tasteless to do on MLK day, to be honest, do it any day that month and you can be sure it would be construed as a racist slap in the face to all of mankind. because every single day the week of MLK day has special activities and group panels, and the holiday's significance extends out in either direction on the calendar for an indeterminate amount of time. but if you have your gangsta party any other month of the year, look out - it might be kwanzaa. what are you trying to imply, whitey??

seriously, could you people all fucking relax. could you stop thinking so hard and looking under every little rock for nuances of racism. aren't there enough completely blatant hate crimes, against many groups, in this country and beyond? go take those on. go eradicate the rest of the clan. go make scholarships for minorities in science and high-level education. go fight gang involvement. let the asshole milquetoast middle class college kids have their stupid parties. otherwise we'll be paying reparations to samoa for all the culture-mocking luau parties we have in this country.

there's a limit to ridiculousness and we passed it long ago with all this political correctness. life is hard. people die. there's disease and suffering. nothing is ever fair, to anyone; everyone gets screwed with equal randomness. stop fostering such an overly sensitized, kid-glove society. this culture is the boy in the plastic bubble; one cough and it's all over. how does making everyone expect utter fairness encourage strength? pick yourselves up by the bootstraps and start addressing real problems. otherwise send me your therapy bill. but that's not anti-semitic now, is it? because i didn't mean anything by it. really.

when taste in B movies is genetic

i would like to note that far too few people actively quote the seminal chevy chase film, "spies like us." my little bro and i enjoyed a seamless exchange of dialog from the movie, which we have not seen together since pre-pubescence, at random during xmas break, and it did my heart good. hollywood: bringing siblings together since 1980.

pop quiz

today, two things that i see quite regularly confused me more than usual. and i kept thinking. and thinking. and i can't figure either of them out. so i pose these queries to you, my readership...know that while no answer or justification will make me accept these behaviors, and i will probably get on my soapbox to anyone who dares defend them, that doesn't mean i don't want to know the answer.

why....

1) alarming fox news emergency reports and the like have been declaring how americans' social networks are dwindling, and that the number of people we rely on for support or share our troubles with is at an all-time low. of course, video games and teh intarweb are to blame.

but at all times of the day, 75% of the cars around me on the highway are piloted (for some value of the word) by people on a cell phone. if you have no friends, and your baggage stays with you, and you're a miserable, lonely, isolated army of one, then with whom the fuck are you speaking, please? really? i have a rather large network of friends and acquaintences. i'm a busy person. i'm tight with my mom. i tend to drive when i'm driving.

2) i thought the showers in the gym locker room were to store cleaning supplies. i didn't think people actually showered at the gym, but ok. today i sat in the sauna for 15 min following 50 min of working out. i was already worried about the length of my gym break. whilst in the sauna, i watched a woman, already dressed post-shower, stand in front of the mirror and primp. facial moisturizer. foundation. concealer. q-tip ear-cleaning. rouge. brush hair. blowdry. i don't know what next because during the blow-drying, i had already left the sauna, unlocked my locker, changed, and headed out. seriously, how the fuck long does it take you to go to the gym each day if you can spend at least a half hour showering, dressing, and primping afterwards? do you work out for 5 minutes first? or do you have some kind of incredible job where a 2-hour lunch break, during which you don't even eat lunch yet, is de rigeur? please explain.
and as a sidenote, if you're so ugly that you have to work out in your makeup and can't possibly return to public life without putting your face back on, why don't you keep your busted self at home or get some plastic surgery?

big dorks

today at lunch, after busting our ass for 2 hours and barely getting 1/3 of the way through a genetics problem set due tomorrow, my school-friend jeff asked me what i was up to in lab today. i whined a bit about how i had this huge purification column to run, and how no, it was actually going to take all afternoon, and i wouldn't even get to finish the problem set before i went home. he's all, well what's taking you so long about purification, and i'm like, excuse me i'm actually really good at it, it's just that i have to do it by gravity, so it takes forever to drip slowly at a flow rate of NO. he goes, well there's one way to make gravity flow go much, much faster. i perked up and was like, jeff you're my hero, what, please tell me, you're so smart...and he's like, yeah. go do it on another planet with better gravity.

and that killed me, guys. i laughed really hard.

i need me some sleep.

it never hurts to ask

i stayed home today because i was feeling pretty under the weather. i dragged my ass off the couch to go get some airborne and sudafed around 4. upon walking to my car at the supermarket, i spotted this:



a brand new lamborghini murcielago in an orange so eye-catching, i stopped dead on the sidewalk with my mouth open as passersby wondered which to stare at more - me, frozen to the spot, or the car.



i marched up to the driver's side, waved, and when the dude rolled down his window, said to him, "what a beautiful piece of machinery - sir, would you mind if i took a picture of your automobile." only too eager to oblige, this rapidly turned into "how about i take a picture of you in it":




to "how about a ride?" and that, my friends, is how i wound up doing a buck ten on an onramp in something that does 0 to 60 in 3.5 seconds. i don't have a picture of that, though :P

just for future reference

no specific instance in recent time has prompted this memorandum; but over the past few months, i have encountered, so many times, people in my life who don't quite understand why i have fallen off the face of the earth and am so inept at returning phone calls, emails, or scheduling lunch dates. some of them will never even read this because they don't know i have a blog. nearly every time i write an email now, it begins with "sorry i took so long to get back to you" or "i've been meaning to write, i swear." so it's more out of a sense of guilt and the longing to be understood that i post this manifesto, that is: a day in the life of sabominator. i know a few of my pals know exactly how it is; other grad students further along in their studies, or nurses working the night shift - i give you all mad props, for some of you are even busier than i. but my life is full right now, and i want everyone to know it, so that the next time you wonder if i still care about you, you can refer back to this post. a typical week day (nb: no i am not whining):

6.45 am - alarm
7 am - scarf oatmeal
7.10 am - dress and do bathroom things
7.45 am - begin morning commute
8.30 to 9 am - arrive at school
9 to 11 am - class
11.15 to 12.30 - gym
12.30 to 1 pm - lunch
1 to 4,5,6,7,8,9 pm, depending and unforseen - lab
(sometimes class in the afternoon)
(any free moments spent doing homework or trying to get cell reception to call whomever's most due in these categories: disputed bills and insurance problems, car repair issues, wedding planning items, name change fiasco continued, health care issues)
6.30 to 7.30 - most likely time to be commuting home
7.30 - clean kitchen, shower, start homework
8.30 or 9: dinner with kz
9 to 10: watch some sort of tv with kz, for the love of god
and then, in no particular order, finish homework if necessary, clean kitchen again, sort mail, call mom if there's energy remaining
11ish: bedtime

if i'm ever lucky enough to get out early (4 or so), there's always a list of study-related items i should be doing but always put off, and then there's other things like picking up Rx's, depositing a check at the bank, or doing a monthly wal-mart household items stock-up trip. there is, every woman can attest to, ALWAYS SOMETHING. imagine once i start squeezing out puppies. also please note that i live in one state and go to school in another; it's amazing how many state-specific items arise in your life, and i've got to strategically arrange my time to leave early in order to get back to NH before business stops at 5 pm and i'm SOL again.

and then on weekends is when i study, do laundry, clean the rest of the house, attempt to make some progress on wedding planning, call all the people i didn't get to during the daytimes, and try to spend some time on the part of my life i enjoy the most - my relationship with kz. and sleep.

so honestly, my days are really planned to the max. if you feel like i don't have time for you anymore, you're right, i don't; but you have a lot of company.
most of my friends are really understanding because nobody sits home all day and eats bonbons. but sometimes i feel like people think "full time student" is a more leisurely occupation than it deserves. and this is just me, letting you know how it is; doing what i do best.

that time of year again

...when all the motorists are playing with their new xmas gift ipod, palm pilot, wii-adaptable fax bluetooth cellphone color printer memory card, or other miscellaneous portable electronic distraction instead of actually driving. i hope your insurance rates all go up.

...when the gym becomes overrun, at all hours, for the next 2.5 weeks and the locker room is littered with the price tags of new spandex inspirations, until all the fatties give up, the bulimics cry, and only us regulars actually hit the gym daily. i guarantee the store will be out of my staple, nonfat plain yogurt, during this mad surge as well.

i never understood resolutions. why don't you make an improvement in your miserable lives when it's appropriate, and not on some arbitrarily defined annual occurrance? you know you are destined to fail anyway. you've seen commercials with jared and his subway secret. how many weight loss commercials have you seen where someone's new year resolution became a lifelong commitment to eating healthy and getting regular exercise? give up and return to reality; some of us live here.

and stay out of my gym.

get me some fiber

holy shit we're up late. i'm getting old.

happy 2007, yo.