the great pea coat saga

sometimes, i think the wires in a woman's brain cross during times of stress, and some outside thing becomes hopelessly intertwined with the stressful issue at hand. your relationship with this object becomes a metaphor for your battle with the stressful event. for men, i think this is often 1 fixed thing; like whenever they are too busy at work, suddenly doing laundry becomes the biggest deal ever and it requires multiple failed attempts and much overwrought griping. for women, i think it is often some incarnation of shopping.

for me, this whole process of packing and moving has been kind of stressful. outwardly, it seemed pretty simple: put things in boxes, transport, put things out of boxes. between time, organization, mass purging of crap, classes, a review my boss and i are supposed to be writing that he left till the deadline (next week), paperwork, the headache of changing states, and then the emotional side (we've only ever lived here together; what if all the great no-fighting happy doesn't come with us to MA?), i found myself eating tums each night and waking up all twitchy in the morning.

the weekend of my birthday, i had dinner with some friends and several of the chicks sported great coats that made me salivate. i began to fixate on this unresolved issue. i was turning 27. and i didn't have one. i needed one. i realized that before we moved, it had to be accomplished: i had to buy a pea coat.

and not just any. from kohl's, of all places, because i had a gift card there so that might make it almost free. any time something is so cheap as to be almost free, whether or not it is a logical or necessary purchase becomes totally moot. and it had to happen before we moved, not after, because i know there is a kohl's near here but god only knows where the closest one is to our new place. i'd never find it and then the gift card would be lost and then it would be like i took money out of my wallet and lit it on FIRE instead of magically turning it into clothing goods. clearly, one cannot waste such an opportunity, even if it happens to occur during the busiest week in recent memory.

last weekend i went to go look for one, and stumbled upon a tragedy in timing: it was the same weekend of the 24-hour kohl's sale. it follows that since kohl's is equal to or slightly less than sears in lack of quality or decent branding, the sales are even more chaotic because poorer people need cheaper stuff even more than yuppies do. it was like a cutthroat marketplace in a 3rd world country after a typhoid outbreak and some bulls running loose. i made it as far as the coats, noted that some appeared to be woolen and have big buttons and lapels, but then i heard some children screaming and saw men suffering, and turned and ran. then i had to fight my way out of the parking lot full of old people driving cadillacs in the rain, all the while vowing never to go to kohl's again. the pea coat dream was overrated.

wednesday i took the day off to do some packing. i drove a carload full of stuff over to the salvation army, and realized it was only...1 exit south of kohl's. it was midday, with less traffic and probably fewer shoppers. so i gave it another shot. this time i made it as far as trying some of the coats on, and was really happy with the way their pea coat fit. they only had one in XL, and it was charcoal grey. i'd envisioned a green pea coat (don't ask me why), and wandered aimlessly looking for one long after it was clear there were none in anything but size small. i asked a salesclerk if i could order one online and use a gift card. she said yes, so i abandoned my armful of coats and headed home, once again empty-handed but driven by purpose.

that night i went online and found the green one i wanted, only it was kind of a dark green. would i wear it with brown or black shoes? not sure. both, maybe. but maybe more black. so get the black pea coat. better than grey; more dressy. i clicked to add it to my shopping bag and began to checkout. then the site crashed.

the next night i was even more determined. i went back through the process again. i re-throught green versus black. black won again. i put it in the shopping bag and checked out. i entered in my address and was about to put in the gift card when the price came up as 79.99. the ones in the store were 70.00 with the 50% off sale. i figured my gift card had about $60 on it, which meant i only needed ten bucks to get the coat at the store. but online, it was more and then tax was over $6, and shipping was $15. i closed the window and cursed the pea coat urge.

this morning, i decided to take the bull by the horns. i checked the balance of the gift card just so i'd know what we were talking about here. it was only $25. what the hell? i felt like if i was going to blow an extra $30 for the online purchase, it would be like i bought it in the store with no gift card, which means i could have gotten a pea coat from somewhere other than kohl's, and i wouldn't have it NOW, which is how i always like to have things. fuck it. no pea coat for me this year. i've survived 26 winters without one. i hadn't even told kz about it yet, choosing to omit any mention of the quest which filled my waking hours because i didn't want him to know i was truly deranged.

then i had to bring another carload of stuff over to salvation army, which is...you guessed it...near kohl's. that's it. that's totally it. i am being owned by this curse no longer. so i went back AGAIN and, with my black and greasy paws all scuffed up from my morning session fighting with my car's accessory belt tensioners, i shuffled through the coats and found the one i had tried on the day before. i then bought it and tried to hide my dirty hands inside my sleeves, making the whole checkout line think i was crazy and poor. i fit right in.

it is no coincidence. we're moving tomorrow, and this morning i finally began to believe the house would be packed and ready in time; i no longer felt pressure on my chest from worrying about how this whole thing could possibly happen.

and i am now the proud owner of a motherfucking charcoal grey pea coat, which i have no occasion to wear for at least a week. but i stick my hand in the kohl's bag and stroke it every so often while i look around and marvel at the vastness of our empty rooms.