corporate coffee SOP

DOC#GBP-MC-001/00

Proper Brewing of Caffeinated Beverages Suitable for Imbibing

1.0 Document Approval
1.1 I have reviewed this document and find it to be accurate and complete.
-Sabominator

2.0 Purpose
2.1 Current coffee selections in the break room are unsatisfactory for those with beverage requirements including unsweetened, hi-test caffeine products which do not taste like ass.

3.0 Scope
3.1 This procedure applies to sabominator on a PMS or tension-headache basis.

4.0 Definitions
4.1 GBP – Good Brewing Practices
4.2 MC – Making Coffee
4.3 SM – Swiss Miss
4.4 CM – Coffee Machine
4.5 WC – Weak Crap

5.0 Materials

5.1 Reagents
5.1.1. 2x Swiss Miss sugar-free packets
5.1.2. Whole Milk
5.1.3. 3x Shots Espresso

5.2 Equipment
5.2.1. Dorky pyrex coffee mug with molecular structure of caffeine illustration.
5.2.2. Microwave that takes twice as long to heat as any other existing microwave.
5.2.3. Dream 500 “coffee” maker.
5.2.4. Spoon.

6.0 Procedure
6.1 General Considerations
6.1.1. This is to be carried out only by a trained caffeine addict. It is recommended to ensure that no hot pizza cheese burns have been sustained on the roof of one’s mouth, as this significantly hinders enjoyment of the beverage.

6.2 Preparation
6.2.1. Tear open swiss miss packs. Add to cup, saturating with <~100 ml milk.
6.2.2. Stir out clumps.
6.2.3. Fill to ¾ volume with milk.
6.2.4. Microwave 2 min.
*concurrent step*
6.2.5. Brew 3 espresso shots in a row, annoying non-english speakers in line who lack the vocabulary to protest.

6.2.6. Add to chocolate concoction.
6.2.7. Sit in antisocial corner under fake tree plant, pretending to read.
6.2.8. Enjoy.