observation #427

people who speak broken english with a delivery-by-rickshaw takeout menu lilt should not be permitted to occupy the position of #1 gossip-mongering alpha-female in the workplace. their visas should be revoked immediately, and they should be deported back to the open-sewered streets strewn with chicken head villages from whence they came, where they can eat as many meerkats as they want.
or, stay here, learn 'engrish', and keep your maoist notions to yourself. would you like rice with that?

new gastroenteritis recovery guidelines

we here at sabominator & co. have spent the weekend testing a radical new regimen for those recovering from excess output of vomitus and feces.
one of our brave test subjects surrendered everything she had to the toilet gods, underwent traditional IV rehydration (special thanks to MGH staff), and spent 48 hours on the "i feel like i'm in pampers" diet of gatorade and flavored mush.
after this 48 hour 'control' period, after which our subject stated 'i feel like an honorary ethiopian,' we decided she was ready for the drastic new procedure.

**to be completed within a 24-hour period**

step 1: forced ingestion of at least half an order of chicken and udon (must be from local chinese place and less than $10).
extra credit for finishing leftovers; bonus if cold.

step 2: nurse an iced french vanilla coffee from dunkies on an empty stomach (bonus if with cream).

step 3: TGI Friday's (needs no further explanation).

step 4: Applebee's appetizer combo platter. bonus for licking the grease off the tortilla chips. *note: we cannot say conclusively based solely on this study, but additional benefits may be incurred from finishing the last 2 mozzerella sticks.

while it is premature to recommend adaptation of these guidelines by the FDA and subsequent addition to the aftercare literature provided by hospitals and doctors, sabominator & co. stands behind its research and is confident that you, too, may one day benefit from these measures, thanks to our brave test subject. after all, she's at work today, right?

sabominator: 1, bestbuy: 0

just got my voucher for a replacement cd/mp3 player from bestbuy; now i have to figure out which one to get (help? suggestions welcome. i want one that still has The Loud in it. no sonys).
yeah so i bet 10 months ago when your blue-shirted lackey sold me that $7 replacement plan, you didn't think i'd put the receipt in a safe place and await this day with such cunning, much less emerge victorious. how does it feel? hm? you like that?
best part...I DROPPED IT. yeah, you heard me. suckers.

disney afternoon

chi-chi-chi-chip and dale's....rescue rangers...
chi-chi-chi-chip and dale...
welcome to the hell that is mine, 4 weeks without my discman, and the theme song gnomes have taken over my brain.

this one is for memmies...

vive la BBQCONXXX

we had a ball this weekend...here's the proof:

*sniff* he's my special boy!

bbq boys
i'm the diet coke of evil
and the queen of grilling
we're frickin adorable

ta-ta till tuesday

...and today a guy was rockin out some fierce air guitar between reps on the chest press.
my gym is weird.
i'm tired, i have eel burps, and i'm taking monday off to avoid the maddening throng. a festival of meat awaits me this weekend (interpret that how ye may).

yuppie of the day award

goes to the surgeon-type dude with the cell phone on the elliptical runner adjacent to mine...i am a better person for having listened to 21 minutes of your stultifying tongue-wagging. and i'm sorry for your wife too.

ninja rockstar

on the red line this morning, some tall apres-construction dope got on at central with his milky blind eye giving off a distinct feline vibe from underneath his hoodie. he pushed past me into the train and said loudly, 'f***ing enough room in here, move over, jesus,' and wouldn't stop glaring at me.
not one to be intimidated by mr.grumpypants and his uneven stubble, i stared him down with a look that aptly communicated my thoughts:
"dude, if i weren't enjoying my iced dunkies as much as i am, i'd totally go all crouching tiger on your ass."
i think he understood perfectly and realized it was his lucky day. another conflict successfully avoided thanks to dunkin donuts.

musings from the humidor

nevermind that it's finally spring; the physical plant at work decided to leave the thermostat on 'rice paddy' setting.
you could fall in love with an orangutang in here...

formicae mortuae sunt

with the fuzzy bewilderment that marks every monday morning, i picked up a bunch of bananas from the fruit bowl, operation: lunchbox.
5 or so HUGE FRICKIN ANTS dropped out and scurried in opposite directions on the tabletop, their mission clearly blown, their attempts to thwart the big blonde enemy futile.
bravely, they scampered to thier deaths underfoot and were laid to rest amid the recyclables in a shroud of viva, extra absorbent.
*taps*
but dude, if carmen miranda lived in my kitchen, she'd be like totally screwed.

meow

last night i was giddy with a full glass of water from the new brita. brahm (krista's cat, a new addition) was blocking the way to the living room, where joe was tormenting himself with tivo. full of mirth and goodwill, i leaned over to pet said feline, and he looked up at me, eyes closed in anticipatory ecstasy, arching himself closer to my hand. as the body leans, so does the glass in the other hand, and the poor little bugger got a snoot full of cold, filtered water.
awaiting my return home today, sitting on the sill, is one kitty full of hate.

stinky

if only one could autoclave adidas...

oftentimes, when i fill out a form online and have to use the pulldown menu to list what country i'm in, i have to scroll all the ass way down to "u" for USA. something like albania, or afghanistan, is always at the top. these people don't even have leavened bread, and they use venetian blinds for hammocks - are they on a pink imac attempting to order trifluoroethanol? i think not.
i move to make USA first on every scroll-down list. remember folks, "a" is for "america". and we're #1.
we're the leaders of the free world....GET IN MY BELLY!

so this morning i was coming to work, and crossing brookline ave i saw this old restored grand-am with a dragster hood scoop and a firebird detail, and inside there was an old bag with a crazy perm and elvis shades, reclined all suave in her leopard-print seat.
i eyeballed the car as i strolled by, she revved the motor, and i gave her the 'rock on' horns and she totally grinned.
old bags are cool.

tuesday. porridge day.

today is my first day as a woman freed from the fetters of the educational testing service.
i mean, except for this weekend, which didn't count since i can't remember anything amid the post-test snuggles, sleepies, ice cream, and tureen of guacamole.
and er, except for the general GRE, which will take place sometime in fall.
but something armageddon-esque could transpire in the meanwhile (we call it a "global killer"..."fire the 'laser'"), so for all intents and purposes, i am indeed, free, vis-a-vis standardized testing and i hereby disavow all knowledge regarding endosperm ploidy, ancient heterotroph lineages, chromatography elution times, and zinc-finger binding motifs.
ETS, go to hell.
law and order, mondays and tuesdays, back to back episodes (which really means three)... here i come.