tips for the T

i think the MBTA should subsidize this blog.

THE FRIENDLY COMMUTER:

-don't take the rush hour trains. but don't go too late after rush hour either. the older relatives of the mutants who ride the subway at this hour are coming into town to visit them.

-if you see any of these things as you're entering a car, proceed through into the next car: an accordion (specifically, a man playing it). a double stroller with frantic mom accessory. two guys who look like they want to be on the chicago bulls - and they seem to think you look like a snack. any asian, indian, or person of non-western appearance talking on a cell phone just as loud as a westerner. any babies, any at all; sleeping one moment, spitting up and screaming the next. and, if you see all of these things on the same car, as i did this morning, you might want to reconsider how badly you need to reach your destination in the first place.

-pick one of the double seats. the triples look big and good for napping - they are. but if someone sits next to you, and any of the triples still have only one person in them, you have immediate grounds for evicting the squatter next to you.

-if the train is filling up, each time you come to one of the stops, pretend you're sleeping. people feel bad squeezing in next to a sleeping person because they know that moving your bag if you're sleeping is an evil thing to do.

-oh yeah, keep your bag on the seat. if the conductor points to the 'please keep feet and parcels off the seats' placard, tell him it's not a parcel. it's expensive north face trekking gear. only old jewish ladies have parcels.

-when you sit, allow your legs to fall apart and your thighs to spread as widely as possible. if someone catches you at feigning sleep, inhale sharply and make yourself look fatter. they won't sit next to you. this is kind of like the survival instinct of pufferfish in the wild. drool and saliva bubbles can assist in this ploy.

-playing dead when they come to collect tickets doesn't work. neither does looking pretty and forlorn. have cash handy.

-if you recognize someone from your morning or previous day's commute, don't make eye contact. they already think they have a tenuous connection with you - after all, you ride the same train.

-if you see any adults with boston maps, fanny packs, and tired children with a filmy glaze of sunscreen at 9 AM on a cloudy day, head for the other end of the car. you don't want to hear their questions, or their rowdy "son-of-a-gun" vacation stories as regaled to the conductor. listening to them puzzle over where the green line trains go will hurt your soul.